I’ve been clinging to myself and any semblance of wholeness I can find. So many parts of life and motherhood lead to a sense of fragmentation and separation from myself. The two biggest repeat offenders are when I am too busy and when I am in a shame spiral. Have you heard the phrase “I’m running around like a chicken with my head cut off.”? That’s what I feel like. And then I beat myself up for living that way still. What a silly mess.
We were out of town celebrating my little sister’s wedding last week and weekend. We got back in town Sunday evening and then headed straight into a full week of work and kids activities. It is football homecoming week (I’m frantically typing these words in the 30 minutes before we need to walk out the door for candy catching.) My oldest turns 9, so I am orchestrating a “Dude Perfect” themed birthday party. I have brunch/lunch in Atlanta with dear therapist friends on Sunday, and Rocket Day for Cub Scouts in the afternoon. Then another 3.5 days of work before heading out of town again- this time to prioritize my own wellness and retreat with my some of my Exhale community friends.
Truly, it is so easy in this moment to slip in judging myself— am I really sitting here going on about so many inarguably good things? Yes, and I will continue going on and on because I know this juggling act is exactly what most moms are doing. I hear it in so many of my sessions- we check off all of the tasks and to-do’s of our family’s schedule, make sure there is food in the house, laundry is done, home is functioning, care for the emotional needs of our kids, and try to nurture and enjoy our marriages- or at least to not feel annoyed by our husbands all the time. Oh, and not sure about you, but there’s paying the bills, managing to afford the ever-rising cost of food, and the 3 checks to write to the school for lunches, a field-trip, and the Fun Run. Not to mention the mess of toys on the floor and the blaring TV in the living room that is sending my nervous-system on edge. All these aspects of caring for everyone else and my surface needs; I haven’t even touched on the inner emotional aspects- how my heart aches over my own mother wounds, how I am processing and noodling on my personal counseling session I had earlier today, and the deep longing for time with my husband because there are literally no empty weekends or nights for us to have a date.
You know the lazy river at the water park? It is like someone turned the speed up on the water propulsion. The flow is too fast and there are too many people and floats blocking the stairs. I just want to get out - please get me out.
So, how do I get out when I find myself swirling yet again for another round in the loop? I make a list of ways I come back to myself, and then I do those things.
How I Come Back to Myself
Do yoga.
Body scan meditation with releasing tension
Back to self playlist- intuitive movement or take a walk
Brain dump journaling
Go to counseling
Watercolor and/or collage
If shame was the catalyst for leaving myself, do a self compassionate exercise- hands on heart, take a few breaths, speak kind words to myself
If busyness was the catalyst for leaving myself, do a breath prayer.
Inhale: “I am here”
Exhale: “God/you are here.”
Be with my kids. Notice the details – Grace‘s ringlets, Rob’s sturdiness, Nathan‘s broadening shoulders
A 3 second hug with Zack. Let myself melt and be held.
Making this list and doing these activities and practices saved me this week. Every time I practiced one, it was akin to pressing a reset button for myself. Each practice was like powering down and then back on to try again.
I spent a morning writing and swirling in timelines, formatting, and outlining. I went to yoga. I pressed the reset button. I sat in several back-to-back therapy sessions, holding stories, untangling lies and narratives, validating pain, and facilitating EMDR. I curated a playlist of songs that helps me get back to my own self, and then I danced, walked, and moved to get everything out of my body. I pressed the reset button. I had a lot of feelings about my own motherhood, things I am carrying, wounds, and decisions I wished I would have made differently. I journaled daily and attended my own counseling session with my therapist. I pressed the reset button.
For the moment I am out of the swirling mess and back in my center. More than that, I know how to press the reset button when I inevitably find myself whirled away in chaos. Also, I’ll be listening to this playlist on repeat as I keep chomping my way through my book writing. Maybe you’d like to check it out too.
For your own reflection and practice:
Make your own list of ways you come back to yourself. Set the intention to prioritize those activities- put them on your calendar, ask a friend to join you, tell your someone you’re going to do one so they check in to see how it went.
Make your own playlist of songs that help you come back to yourself and feel like yourself.
Move your body while listening to music that helps you feel like you.
Healing the Roots, Letting the Soul Bloom is a reader-supported publication created by Kristina Tucker—a trauma and maternal mental health therapist, and a mom living the journey right alongside you. Blending personal experience with professional insight, Kristina offers soul-nourishing tools to help you care for yourself deeply, so you can show up fully for those you love.
Each newsletter delivers a thoughtful practice or invitation to reconnect—with yourself, with God, and with the people who matter most.
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In case you missed it…
Looking at this Fall-Themed Mood Board is another quick way to pull myself out of the swirls and spirals and instead feel inspired to slow down and create.
Another way I LOVE coming back to my center is through finding beauty. Read about my practice of beauty hunting in this post:
Finally, the link for the Healing The Roots, Letting the Soul Bloom Resource Library; ALL the goodness gathered in one space for you to peruse and enjoy!
This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series “Reset.”
This is so relatable, Kristina! Thanks for sharing so openly—it helps to know there are others out there swirling too.
I cannot wait to listen to that playlist!
Loved these words friend.