A Different Kind of Here

what does it mean to be "gone" anyways?

“I know he was *just* a dog" I found myself saying again after the loss of our 10.5 year-old family pet. What is actually true:

Gryffin was so much more than *just* a pet. He was my therapy buddy, my coworker, my snuggler, my walking partner, and my first child- albeit a furry one.

So many fun memories with our golden retriever, Gryffin. Looking at the pictures helps us all remember and know the great life he had here with us.

I am certain we have not walked this road perfectly, but several things have helped us as we have grieved together as a family. It is my hope to share them so that others can take and use what is helpful as we all have to walk roads of grieving in this life.

We Use the Hard Words

It was important to us for the kids to have full awareness of Gryffin’s body declining and to use the appropriate words so that they could understand. The boys are 6 and 8, and words like “passing away” or “going to heaven” are abstract and not helpful for them in their understanding. It felt harsh and blunt saying “Gryffin’s body is not working any more, and we have to take him to the vet. It is time for us to say goodbye to him. He is dying.” Using the correct words helped my kids understand and begin to grieve.

When we came back home we then changed to language of saying “Gryffin is dead. He is in doggy heaven.¹ We have these pictures and all our memories now.”

What was most important in choosing the language was allowing my kids to be able to understand. Abstract concepts are often hard for kids on the best of days- trying to explain something that is already hard using abstract language only made it harder. When we use the appropriate terms, they were able to begin to understand accept what was happening instead of feeling confused, more overwhelmed, and therefore dysregulated and unable to cope.

We Have Comfort Stuffies

My kids love stuffed animals. I was able to purchase golden retriever stuffed animals, and these babies were worth every cent and more. I truly believe having a soft, warm stuffed animal has helped my kids grieve. At times they missed Gryffin, they were able to hug and cuddle their stuffy. It gave the energy and feeling in their body somewhere to go. It gave them something to do with the emotion. It gave them a way to feel and process it.

We Used Art

Kids often need ways to process tough emotions through activity and imagery more than words. I printed off coloring pages of golden retrievers to trace and color. We looked at Art Hub for Kids drawing videos and drew together. I printed off pictures of Gryffin and the kids so that they could make a book to have to be able to remember him. Art and creativity gave the boys a way to remember Gryffin without having to put their feelings into words- something they will both adamantly and often tell me “I don’t want to talk about this!”² So we use art.

“I think he is wearing sunglasses now, Mom!” Gryffin as drawn by my 6 year-old

We Took a Family Walk

Being that we knew it was nearing time and that Gryffin was still able, we took a short and slow (and very tearful on my end!) family walk together. We knew this would be our last walk as a family with Gryffin, and we talked to the boys and shared that this was a special time as a family to share a memory together before it was time for him to die. While this was agonizing and hard, I am so thankful we took this walk, and we have this memory. I know it made Gryffin happy. I know it helped us all cherish something that we always all loved to do together.³

We Cried.

Yes. Lots of tears. We made them okay. We made them welcome. We didn’t apologize for them. We didn’t tell the kids (or ourselves) “It is going to be okay. You don’t need to cry.”

We all cried and felt all the emotion and said over and over again, “yes, we miss Gryffin. It is okay to be sad. We will probably be sad for a little while and when things remind us of Gryffin.”

As we cried, we processed our emotion. It wasn’t so heavy and huge within our bodies… again, we gave the emotion somewhere to go. We released it and were able to feel joy too. The grief and sadness will always be here to some degree, but it changes shape, size, and weight as we allow ourselves to name and feel the emotions.

We Felt Our Feelings Differently

Some of us cry.

Some of us yell.

Some of us do yoga.

Some of us ride bikes with friends.

Some of us take breaks and escape into video games.

Some of us use books for that.

Some of us talk.

Some of us write.

There is no “right way” to feel and to process the emotions. We allowed for it all and gave options to the kids knowing and making space for the variety of emotions and ways of feeling them.

We’ve Read Some Books

Where’s Stitch and The Invisible Leash have been two books my six year-old has found a lot of comfort in and has asked to read a few times. Although we both cry every time we read them, it is a great way for us to talk about how me miss our pup and how he is still here with us in our memories.

We Remember He Is Still Here

I have pictures of him. I have drawings of him. There are stuffed animals like him. There will still probably be golden tumbleweeds⁴ in my house for the next year+. We have our memories and the feelings that he brought us. He is still here in our hearts and minds, even if he is physically not alive and here with us.

I know we will face other grief and mourning through life. Helping my kids learn to grieve felt critical- a kind of scaffolding for future times of grief and heartache.

Grief is a beast. Grieving while parenting is a different kind of beast. I’m thankful for my friends who checked in, who mailed me plants, books, and cards. Feeling supported and held by my people helped me to do all of the list above for my family. I wasn’t perfect, and I surely failed alongside moments of success. But thanks to my own training, my time in therapy, and my own learning to name, confront, and feel my feelings, I am now no longer numbing, escaping, and avoiding. I can remember Gryffin and smile. Joy and sadness can co-exist and we are all healthier and better for having loved, lost, and now able to remember.

This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Alive.”

1. Theology aside, God gave me the sweetest doggy on Earth. I sure hope there are dogs in Heaven. It is a comforting thought, and so I will let it carry and comfort me in grief.

2. Oh to have a therapist mom who asks you to “talk.”

3. My 8 year-old is a “Tough Guy” who fully shares that his “not strength” (aka weakness) is “feeling and talking about love.” He understood the importance of this family walk, and he also is 8 and wanted to play with his friends who were outside. Instead of forcing him and the walk, we asked him to walk with us to a certain point and then he was free to play with his friends. This was a “just enough” challenge for him as it allowed him to lean into his emotion a bit but then also know the point that he would be able to go play with his friends. It challenged him just enough that he did a hard for him thing and was able to regulate himself. This was a good meet-in-the-middle for us as we still were able to have this moment as a family, and it wasn’t drowning him in emotion and forced activity.

4. If you’ve ever had a long-haired, furry dog, you know exactly what I am talking about and how you forever find these balls of fur around your house, no matter how much or how often you vacuum, sweep, and mop.