The Best Kind of Love is Gross
Rhythms and Practices for a Wonderful, Gross Marriage
My husband and I settle into a deep embrace in the kitchen while dinner is cooking on the stove behind us. He’s just walked in from work. The toddler is 3 steps away; playing with the magnets on the fridge. My awareness is split: his arms around me, curry chicken cooking on the stove, rice cooking in the pressure cooker, glancing at the baby to make sure she’s not eating crumbs off the floor, a half finished conversation with my 7 year old who is sitting at the counter. Our conversation must be complete-enough as he screams out “ewww! Love is gross!” We chuckle and hold each other firmly as our 5 year-old runs in the room and squeezes himself into the warm center of our hug. Thankfully the elementary-boy-love-is-gross mindset hasn’t yet taken hold of him. The toddler giggles and stares at the affection, fascinated in her own way over our now tangle of three.
When I was young, my parent’s experience of love must have been so different. I don’t remember watching displays of affection or having any thoughts about their love for one another or their subsequent spouses. I’m sure there was love, but my best guess is it looked different; or I was too scared of losing it to appreciate what may have been. As a young child of divorce, marital love wasn’t a promise of safety or commitment; it more easily was an example of what could be lost. What I remember most is the fighting, the yelling and the screaming, the words and tone I heard as I mashed my left ear against the air vent to better hear the phone conversation happening downstairs, the clang of the phone being slammed down on the old receiver. When we talked about the fight later, I would leave with the understanding of “we all just love you so much and want to have the time with you here instead of with the other.” I imagine that’s true. It also turned manipulative. Love was twisted and warped into a leverage tool as I witnessed the anger, power struggles, and hurt left in its wake. My inner child1 shakes her head at my son, “nah, love is dumb.”
As I compare my childhood experience of love with my own children’s, I am thankful the experiences are vastly different. My husband and I are in our twelfth year of marriage and still very much in love and best friends. We have dramatically changed as people throughout our now 15 years together, and we certainly can’t take all the credit for being where we are today. We have had support systems and friendships that have played key parts in our connection. We’ve been incredibly intentional about our marriage and time together. I’ve done an insane amount of therapy and trauma work to come to a more healthy understanding of love and attachment and am forever in the process of moving more and more towards earned secure attachment.2 Our Faith tradition and God certainly play a huge role as well.
Below I’ve written out some of the practices and rhythms that have been helpful for us throughout our marriage. I share them in hopes that they inspire or give you ideas in your own marriage. I don’t know that I ever would have been bold enough to hope to be married to my best friend. Yet, here I am, so I want to share what I think has helped get us here. If any of these resonate, awesome! Take, share, use, and enjoy. I assure you, I am not some pollyanna therapist who has figured out the answer. If you read and get those vibes, please reach out, I’d love to talk more. There’s certainly a lot we can learn from experts, but I believe there is also a lot to learn from people who are working and walking in our same trenches.
Connective Rhythms in Our Marriage
Get help, invest in retreats, and read books before it is crisis time. Press in before there’s pressure. We went on marriage retreats with our church 2 years into marriage. I remember the whispered comments from my husband’s football coach friends “is something wrong? Are y’all okay?” Truly we were. We were determined to never let my past become our present. From early on, we learned that carving out intentional time for conversation and “digging” was mandatory for us. We aren’t the type of couple (and life is too busy) for those connective conversations to happen naturally. We’ve realized that we don’t have to be in crisis to invest in retreats and deep conversations. In fact, they’re so much easier and better invested in throughout the messy middle.
5 questions. We go in ebbs and flows with this one, but we’ve come back to these 5 questions repeatedly since early in our marriage when I learned about them. Our rhythm is to do them on Sunday nights, especially in busy seasons when we feel disconnected. We take turns asking and answering, working through them one-by-one together.
What does your upcoming week look like?
How did you feel loved last week?
How would you feel loved next week?
How would you feel perused in sex and intimacy this week?
How can I pray for you?
Open ended questions. There are so many great resources for this, but when we are feeling a little stuck, we pull out a question card deck to keep conversation our varied. TableTopics, Ungame, and Esther Perel have paper versions of this kind of activity. A free favorite is the Gottman card deck app.
Making dates routine. In 2024 we are aiming for a date a week and even have a note and plan around making that happen (more on that later maybe) but making dates more common than rare has been huge in our remaining connected to one another.
Vacations together- even if just for a night in a town thirty minutes down the road. There is something about spending 24+ hours away that is such a helpful reset when we’ve needed it. We get to be husband and wife instead of mom a dad. We get to be two people walking, chatting, eating, and enjoying time with one another instead of thinking about all the undone house projects.
Sunday afternoon naps. This doesn’t happen every Sunday, but any Sunday it does, we come back and say “that needs to happen again next week.” Of course at this point in time, our boys don’t nap, but we allow them some screen time or set them up with an independent play activity and set a timer so they know how long they need to remain quiet and somewhat self-sufficient. We then lock our door and ‘sleep.’ These can take some creativity depending your kids’ ages and personalities, but 10/10 for Sunday afternoon naps.
Have fun together! Hike, visit local towns, play games, make collages, go to a comedy show, light a bonfire, go to a concert, sit under twinkle lights, be silly, make jokes, anything to help you hold the light alongside the heavy.
Don’t let the hard stuff pull you apart; talk, talk, and talk some more. When you don’t agree on the path forward, seek help; meet with a pastor, find a counselor, or older couple you admire and seek perspective and wisdom. Know you don’t have to always agree but learn to hold empathy and understanding as you each take next steps.
Learn each other’s patterns in conflict + work on your own triggers. I’ve learned my husband sometimes needs a full 48 hours (or even more) to be able to come to a solution or understanding within himself. Sometimes our conversations/conflict looks like a lot of open-ended questions and statements towards one another and then him going to chuck a frisbee at a basket and me going to write endless pages in my journal about all my feelings. We can come back 2 days later and reach a conclusion that we never would have reached in the beginning. The inner 7-year old in me *HATES* this and thinks its the least safe thing in the world, but I’m attending to her and that anxiety, and we’re working through it all together.
Get outside. My husband and I are both better people and can connect more fully when out feet are in nature and our arms are surrounded by trees, sky, and fresh air. It could be our backyard for a bonfire, walking a disc golf course together, setting up hammocks, taking a hike, or exploring a lake- him in his kayak and my on my paddle board, whatever the activity, we’re always better for time spent outdoors.
Sex. Do it. Schedule it. Make it spontaneous. Just do it. You can’t have a list on enriching a marriage without sex being on the list. Talk about it. Learn to say the words. Do therapy. Read books. This one is so multifaceted, so I’m not going to share resources; it is an area ripe of triggers and theological landmines. Do your research, read with a critical eye with your spouse, talk about what you read, talk about your sexual relationship- so much growth and intimacy can come from just that!
Allow God to work- on you, on your partner, on your marriage. We seek out therapy, we keep talking, we pray, and we trust that God redeems, restores, and renews.
These practices all come-and-go through different seasons of marriage, but I believe in their power for us and in our marriage. Between life in my therapist chair witnessing messy marriages and experiencing the implosion of the marriages of family and friends around me, I look at these practices like a possible bonding agent.
Marriage: yours, mine, ours.
Yours might be as solid as they come, it might be one on the rocks, or anywhere between, but maybe even just one of these practices could be something to try.
Mine or another’s picture of marriage might feel enviable. May you know that comparison is the thief of joy. It does us no good to compare the outsides of someone else’s marriage to the insides of your own. These practices always ebb and flow and we engage in them most when we feel ourselves drifting apart. Marriage is incredibly complex, and there is no one-size-fits-all marriage repair activity or list. We just hope this is inspiration if you want it.
Ours has been enriched by these rhythms. Enriched to the point that it has become gross- what a blessing! May this sharing of ours be a little inspiration. If you give any of these practices a try, may they add levity, connection, and maybe even a little spark.
Did these stories or rhythms spark something for you? Do you have your own rhythms or practices that have strengthened your marriage? I’d love to hear more either in the comments or if you’d rather reach out privately. I’d honor becoming more connected!
As you read this post, did a someone come to mind? I would love it if you would share this post with others who may find it inspiring, fun, and/or helpful.
This post is part of a blog hop with Exhale—an online community of women pursuing creativity alongside motherhood, led by the writing team behind Coffee + Crumbs. Click here to view the next post in the series "Ours.”
I get it, inner child talk can be a little woo-woo, but it’s incredible and transforming. Jenna Riemersma is a wonderful teacher on IFS/parts-work including a Christian perspective. Her book Altogether You was a life-changer for me.
There are many great resources for learning about attachment patterns and earned secure attachments. One of my favorites is Try Softer by Aundi Kolber.
These are such great tips!! Love seeing sex on there—it's crazy important, and something I wish people talked about more openly!
Loved your opening scene—it feels like an exact scene in my own house in the past…you brought me right back!